Seesters

Me(18m( and Lyla (appr. 3m)

I was born in April 1987 and my sister was born in July 1988. For those of you that can’t (or won’t) do math, that’s 15 months apart. She got married in August 2011 and I got married in June 2012. That’s 10 months apart. Her son, Mason, was born in April 2014 and Judah was born in October 2014. That’s 6 months apart. At the rate we’re going, we’re going to die on the same day.

Me (2y) and Lyla (6m)

I say all this because, well, I miss my sister.

Being so close in age, we went through cycles growing up of being close and – I won’t say “hating each other” but maybe expressing a profound distaste for the other’s company will suffice :-p. We shared a room until my parents moved to North Carolina after my sister started college. It was sometime around then that I think we started to be more than just sisters but also friends. Apparently distance and growing up can work wonders on a relationship. Life took us in different directions which is why she still lives in MA and I live down here in NC (it’s those dang husbands, I tell ya)

I miss my sister a lot these days because like every relationship I’m in, having Judah has taken it to the next level. She’s a stay at home mom too so I don’t know if there’s another person on the planet who “gets it” as much as she does. Many days I think about how nice it would be to live close enough that we could hang out at each other’s houses and our kids could have play dates and things like that. I know, I know – the reality is that we would probably see each other less if we lived close but I can dream, right? 🙂

Winter Carnival dance 2005

In my dream, on nights I don’t feel like cooking and coming up with a dinner plan, I call my sister and see what she’s having and bargain a way for her to cook for us too if I bring over ice cream (or promise to get Josh to make a batch of frozen coffee drinks). Or when I feel like going to the beach and neither Josh nor Jeremy want to go, we can pack up the kids and go together.

Prom 2005

I feel unbelievably fortunate to have such a great sister and a great relationship with her. Technology is an amazing blessing so we can Skype one another during the day or send pictures of our babies terrorizing the cat (Mason) or gnawing on every bit of furniture they can reach (Judah). Thankfully we will be getting a visit in 4 months for Judah’s birthday (eek!) so that’ll have to hold me over for now 🙂

Lyla’s First Birthday

Just more random ranting during nap time (hmm, maybe that’s what I should re-title this blog…)

I want a vacation. Badly. Who’s with me?

Josh and I’s anniversary was Monday and we celebrated together on Sunday. We had planned a trip to the beach after church as a mini getaway and because I just love the beach. That’s where Josh proposed and that’s where we’ve celebrated most often. My parents offered to babysit Judah which was a great relief because we had been planning to take him with us but I was pretty nervous about taking a baby to the beach if for no other reason than the shear amount of STUFF a baby needs for a few hours by the ocean.

After church, Josh and I ended up staying to help tear down since Jason needed to get to his daughter’s softball game and we didn’t want to leave our friends short handed. We finally got on the road around 12:30 after getting gas and lunch at Sheetz (in the boiling hot weather). We usually go to Fort Macon because of the bathrooms and the free parking and, hurray!, it wasn’t overly crowded by the time we go there. We take turns changing (approx. 15 minutes) and go stake out a spot. It’s a bright sunshiney day. Except by the time we actually get to the sand, we hear thunder. No rain, lots of sun still. We spend a full 20 minutes attempting to put up the umbrella (see above statement about boiling weather and sunshine) and another 15 putting on sunscreen. We sit. At that point the lifeguards have pulled everyone out of the water because it is still thundering. We can see huge gray clouds but are debating whether to try and wait it out because we’ve come all this way. More thunder. Mass exodus of beach goers to the parking lot. We continue to sit. No more sunshine. By this point, we’ve stuffed everything but the chairs, umbrella, and blanket into bags “just in case”. It starts to rain so we snatch up everything and dash to the car. Where I laugh to keep from crying because I’m hot, sweaty, slick as a fish because of the rain water on sunscreen, and trying to figure out what we’re going to do. We were covered in sand and in bathing suits and in one of VERY few places where Josh or I didn’t know someone who could hook us up with at least a place to change.

Now, we made the best of the day. We eventually found a foot wash and washed off the sand and changed clothes in a Dick’s and wasted time in there playing with stuff. We even ate at a fun restaurant before heading home. Was it ideal? No, but still fun.

So that’s part of why I want a vacation. I want to get out my house, get out of my city, and do something, see something different for awhile. I always get a little stir crazy, especially in summer, but I think it’s worse because of staying home for the past year. And part of me wants a vacation from my “job” for more than a few hours. I felt like, finally, by dinnertime Josh and I were reaching some point that felt like it did before Judah. For me, at least, it took several hours to mentally move away from my to-do lists and worries.

I’m not saying I don’t get breaks – heck, because of Babywise, I get breaks during naps twice a day and a few hours before bed every night! I also get to go to the gym a couple times a week and random other occasions like tonight where I’m going out with some of the girls from small group. But it’s not quite the same. Probably it’s me wanting to claim back some of my old self – the way I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and a few hours isn’t really enough time for that.

I believe God has used my word for this year, sacrifice, to grow some pretty cool things in me in some pretty painful ways. If I wish things were like they were before, is that a bit like the “putting my hand to the plow and looking back” that Jesus warns against in Luke?

Now I’m feeling guilty too, for wanting to get away! These are thoughts I wrestle with What kind of mom wants to get away from her baby for a weekend? He’s only 7 months old! He’ll feel abandoned! What’s wrong with you for not wanting to spend every moment playing with him? He grows so fast. You’re going to miss out. Again.

Ugh! Any other momma’s out there feel my pain?

Dinner at Tight Lines in Downtown Morehead City

I’m a football player!

Baby Stuff I Love

Again, this is one of those lists that already exists in abundance but hey, I want to make my own :-p This is really a good documentation for myself for any future babies about things that worked this time around. I’ll try to break them up into categories.

Sleep

Baby Books

I know this seems silly but one of the most helpful items we had were our Babywise books. There are a wide variety of books based on different philosophies and the how-tos for each. This gave us realistic(ish) expectations of how long our baby would sleep and when. It also gave us a few tricks to try when one method didn’t seem to work. Additionally, talk to other parents who have used the book or method you like and see what you can glean from them.

Graco Pack ‘n Play w/ Newborn Napper

Now, the fact that this is napper can flip over to be a changing table is a little ridiculous for many reasons – not the least of which is that it’s not very easy to flip in the first place so at 2am with a crying newborn it’s REALLY not going to happen. I love the napper part though! It’s small and cozy enough for the newborn days and prevents you from having to buy a bassinet AND a play pen. I’ve heard less than ideal things about using the actual bassinet part for sleeping since it moves so easily. My sister said my nephew would wake himself up whenever he moved since it was so unstable. But it did make for a great shelf for diapers, wipes, nursing pads, blankets, etc. when Judah was sleeping in the napper part.

Halo Swaddle Blankets

So, probably like many new parents, we sucked at the swaddle. We tried using those Summer Swaddlers but to change a diaper in the middle of the night, you have to take the thing completely off and the velcro pieces are a little intimidating at first. The Halo one allows you to unzip from the bottom so you don’t have to completely unswaddle to change a diaper. I know some babies genuinely hate to be swaddled but try sticking it out – it made a WORLD of difference when we really tried with Judah and the Velcro “wings” on this blanket make it super easy to swaddle safely.

NUK Pacifier

So there seems to be no consensus on whether or not use a pacifier. We did after the first few days in the hospital because, like many new parents are advised, we didn’t want to use one until we’d established good breastfeeding habits. We used the round Soothie brand at first because that’s what the lactation consultant recommended, however, we quickly learned that Judah could keep in the NUK brand much easier. My word of caution is that with any future babies I’ll drop the use of the pacifier by about 5 weeks because at that point we entered into a period of Judah NEEDING the pacifier to sleep. We’d have to go into his room to give back the pacifier several times a night in addition to night feedings. When we finally dropped the pacifier (around 12 weeks) he found his thumb on his own and no longer wants the pacifier.

Feeding

Medela Breastpump

Love it or hate it, Obamacare has done something useful – I got a $300 breastpump for free. I know lots of first time moms who really struggle with breastfeeding and I think it’s a combination of nobody in the equation has done it before. Your body hasn’t, your baby hasn’t, and you haven’t so it’s hard to know what to expect, what’s normal, etc. The breastpump helped boost my supply several times and was also handy to have when Josh and I wanted to go out and Judah was either with a babysitter or I just didn’t want to worry about finding a comfortable place to nurse (because, again, nobody in this equation had done this before).

Dr. Brown’s bottles

The biggest downside I read about these bottles is that there are “a lot of parts”. Well, yes, they have 2 additional parts compared to a traditional bottle but it’s not a car engine. And these bottles were far and away the best for Judah while I was still nursing because of the slow-flow and the way the tube part works to prevent a vacuum effect. I don’t understand all of the physics of it but basically this was the bottle that caused the least problems. It also helps to know that these bottles can screw into your Medela pump so you don’t have to buy Medela brand bottles (which are more expensive!)

Nuby spoons

Like many women, when it came to buying different things for baby I bought what my mom used. This meant that, originally I bought a pack of the metal spoons with the rubber ends. I figured, spoons are spoons. This is true but I ended up buying a pack of these Nuby ones just to have some extra and the difference is HUGE. The shape of the “bowl” is different which means a LOT less mess.

Take-n-Toss Sippy Cups

So we bought these because they were the cheapest ones we could buy when it was time to start Judah on a sippy cup. And you know what? They work great! We paid $3 for 6 and they work just as well as any others I’ve seen. Getting the handles on takes a little getting used to and I have a feeling that they leak a little more easily when Judah smacks the cup on the tray (or his leg, or the floor…) but so far, so good!

 Bath Time

Regular ol’ towels

There’s not a ton of stuff I’ve been super impressed with when it comes to bath items but I was thoroughly let down by our baby towels. These ones felt soft but have an annoying habit of picking up every bit of lint around and transferring them to my baby’s damp skin. My favorite bath towel is one that a friend of ours’ daughter made out of a regular towel and a washcloth.

Diaper Changing Stuff

Safety 1st Diaper Pail

I like this one because it’s cheap (under $20) and uses regular trash bags. It contains the smell pretty well and while some people will say you don’t need one, I’ve found a specific trash can for diapers to be helpful. Particularly because we live in a condo where we have to walk the trash out across the parking lot to the dumpster so we don’t take the trash out every day.

Fluffy Changing Covers

Mine are nothing special but I always kind of scoffed at them before I had a baby and realized how the plasticy stuff could feel cold or sweaty depending on the weather.

Well, that’s my take on all things baby so far 🙂

The Monster

Not the one under the bed or in the closet (although my monster always lived in the doorway to our attic and looked like a weird combination of Satan and Zorro but anyway) this is the Guilt Monster. It showed up tonight as I kissed Judah good-night/good-bye so I could go to the gym. When I came back I felt so bad because I felt like I had been selfish and robbed him of something.

Isn’t that crazy? There have been over 150 nights of Judah’s life so far and I haven’t been there to put him to bed for only a handful. Clearly, that’s enough to traumatize him, put him in therapy and make him hate me. Part of me realizes that it’s a subconscious recognition of just how short this time is but mostly it’s just the Guilt Monster. And it robs my joy.

Well, I refuse to let it this time. Instead I’m going to think about all the amazing things I get to see and do as a stay at home mom. I had this thought yesterday – if I wanted to visit my sister in September and go to the Big E, I could. Yes, yes I’d have to have the means to actually get there, but I don’t have to worry about taking time off from work. In a weird way, I have all the time in the world. While sometimes it’s exhausting or frustrating, I get to spend so much quality time with Judah being with him all day. I won’t get that one-on-one time with subsequent children, not like this. I’m pretty much always available to run a last minute errand or help a friend out.

Thank you God, for this privilege, I pray I never take it for granted!

10 Random Things I Didn’t Know Before I Had a Baby (But Wish I Did)

I know there are lots of lists out there like this, I know because I read lots of them before Judah was born. But I figured I’d make my own because that’s what moms do. And at least I’ll try and not duplicate any.

10) Desitin (or any diaper rash cream) doesn’t “rub in”

Seriously, this is something that with a college degree I should have been able to deduce considering the intended function. However, it wasn’t and that’s how I ended up with two tons of Desitin on both hands and looking for places to wipe it besides the already thickly layered bottom of my infant son.

9) It’s OK to not feel the love

And  I don’t just mean the first few hours or even the first few days. I felt like the worst mom ever because although I felt this incredible attachment it didn’t feel like love. I felt protective and wanted to care for him but I didn’t feel like I loved Judah at first. A friend of mine helped me put it in perspective – I didn’t really love Josh atfirst, did I? It took time and he could walk and talk and feed himself. The love will come. And on that note…

8) The “baby blues” is NOT like PMS

I had read about the baby blues before Judah was born and figured “oh IF I experience that, it’ll be just like my other hormonal times. I’ve been pregnant for the past 9 months, how different could it be?” Um, no. First of all, you WILL experience the blues – especially if it’s your first baby and it may not happen in the first three days but it will happen. Now, I’ve obviously been dealing with postpartum depression but there’s not much help I can offer on this on other than, like most things I’ve learned about motherhood, it’s just something that you have to get through. If you start having crazy emotions (like massive anxiety or tears) more often than not and they occur just as much when your mom is holding your sweet sleeping babe as 2am when he just won’t stop crying… that’s when I’d call your doctor.

7) All the prepping in the world is fun but…

You’re hopelessly naive. And I can say that because I’m saying it about myself. I just flipped over to Pinterest and saw a pin about organizing home for baby – I clicked on it (because I’m weird and LOVE organizing) and almost laughed reading and seeing all these pictures of how this woman was preparing for her first baby. Don’t get me wrong, it was all very nice but the baby feeding station that looked so cute and organized? Yeah, that’ll last the first night. It might resurface again after several months but the reality is that baby stuff will be wherever it gets left (or your wonderful mom cleans it and puts it somewhere).

6) Your Marriage Will Change

Drastically. In the beginning it may not be as noticeable because you are both in survival mode. I love Josh and the way he stepped up in those first few weeks I could never have imagined. Then, after a few months, life takes on a new normal and that solid team effort may not be as evident. For us, our relationship required more work than it did before Judah was born. I don’t really know why but I do know that, like everything, it’s a season and we’ve worked and wrestled through a lot of it and I think we’re on the “good side” now.

5) Sleep when the baby sleeps

Oh, you knew that one? Ok, are you an extrovert? Do you live in a 2 bedroom condo? Because if you do, you’re REALLY going to have to work to put yourself to sleep when your baby sleeps. I didn’t for the first WEEK AND A HALF of Judah’s life. I didn’t nap hardly at all during the day because I wanted to interact with the people coming over, I had doctor visits for me and for him and, something they don’t tell you, there’s almost an adrenaline rush that keeps you going for a couple of days after the birth. And if you do that, you’re going to physically hit a wall like I did. Couple that with any possible postpartum depression and you’re headed for a dark place emotionally.

4) If you’re in the hospital, it’s OK to send the baby to the nursery

Looking back, I realize this is something I wish I would have had a little more forceful encouragement for. I’d just given birth and, while the labor wasn’t super long, I then spent several hours getting repaired. I was ecstatic to finally get to spend time with Judah but I’d also been up for more than 24 hours and my body had been through a lot. I could have really used a chance to nap, even just for an hour or two, and you know what? That wouldn’t have made me a bad mom. Which brings me to…

3) You will feel guilty about EVERYTHING 

And it’s probably not accurate. I felt guilty for any minute I wasn’t holding Judah which fed the not sleeping which wasn’t good for either of us. I felt guilty for needing Josh to do so much because I physically couldn’t move. I felt guilty for the tears I had over not being able to stop him from crying or for wondering what I had got myself into. This is also one of those things you just have to get through, I don’t know that the guilt will ever stop but trust the ones you love that tell you what a good job you’re doing and how so many things are normal.

2) The weird things that will matter to you (and the things that won’t)

Baby outfits matching. Bedtime stories. The Today Show. Yes, these are all things that matter to me! I know Judah sooo does not care if his outfit matches but I totally do – even if we’re just staying in the house. Watching the Today Show is part of my routine and I feel like my day is all thrown off if I don’t watch at least part of it. New toys. Family photos. These are things that don’t matter to me all that much – of course, they would be nice but I don’t stress about them much. Moral of the story? There are thousands of different lists that will tell you what you HAVE to have and what you can pass and the truth is, everyone is different so if you really want that wipe warmer, go for it!

1) It will never get easier, but it will get different 

I can’t remember who originally said this to me but it’s absolutely true. For instance, I don’t have to worry about waking up 3 or 4 times a night because Judah is hungry and needs to eat but he’s teething so sometimes he barely eats during the day and I worry about that. I can feel confident going out to Target because Judah will be happy and content playing or watching the people but he no longer will just fall asleep anywhere when he’s tired (unless he’s really REALLY tired). I know I’ll be saying this for the rest of his life. And parts will be easier (like sleeping at night, having set naps, not needing to eat every 2 hours) and parts will be hard (we’re starting to learn boundaries, teething, attempting to roll away during diaper changes) but my perspective is getting longer which makes it easier.