“I don’t love me anymore!”

A few months ago, Josh lost a game of hair roulette (that’s what he calls going to SportClips for a hair cut).  He came home with a ragged edged, uneven hair cut and decided that he’d rather trim it shorter all over than keep it like that. We first tried using his beard trimmer but it didn’t have enough power so we went out and got a set of actual hair clippers. It was trimmed down shorter than he’d ever had it before and while it was slightly sad for me, it didn’t look bad.

Yesterday, I noticed that he could use a neck trim and the hair had grown out enough that it was bothering his ears. The plan was to trim the neck and ears and, if needed, cut it all over like last time.  I had read the directions that came with the clippers thoroughly and felt decently confident that I was up to the task. The neck was not a problem. I was more nervous about the ears, and the thing is, when you’re doing these areas you don’t use a comb attachment. I lined up the trimmers with the hairline (as directed) said “Does this look right?” Cut for about a second and realized….

This where I was saying "I've killed you! Now you're mom's going to kill me!"

Yep. That’s about a 3-inch strip cut down almost to scalp right over Josh’s ear. You know that moment when something horrible has just happened and your brain tries to come up with a million impossible ways to fix it? My first reaction was to cover up the spot immediately, as if that would somehow make it better. Next, my brain tried to convince itself that the rest of his hair was long enough to cover it up. Not even close. Thankfully, Josh was laughing — I was busy trying to fight back tears. The only suggestion we could come up with was to shave his head entirely. There was no way I could do that, I tried shaving it down with a shorter comb but couldn’t hardly do that. So, what do you do when you encounter an insurmountable problem? Call a marine.

I called Paul and explained what had happened. And while he was probably judging me for my inability to shave my fiancee’s head, he graciously came over and finished the cut. I was   rather impressed because he was able to do enough of a fade that Josh was not completely bald as I originally feared (although Josh’s plan was to go bald and then text Jason saying “Discipleship is a choice”).

Doesn't he look like he could kill someone?

Today, Josh went to a different barber who cleaned up Paul’s cut and it looks alright.  Thank goodness June 15th is still 19 Fridays away. Needless to say, I won’t be picking up those clippers any time soon.

I Am a Seed.

“Oh I’ve been pushed down into the ground,
Oh how I’ve been trampled down.
So many feet on top of me
I can’t help but sink, sink, sink.”

Ever feel that way? If you say no, I doubt you’re a human — most likely you are a cyborg from the future who has accidentally stumbled on our blog. This week though, those words have never felt more true. It was a tough, tough week at work. One of those weeks where I couldn’t remember why I had signed up for this job. If you don’t know, without going into too much detail, I’ve had a difficult year at school. In many ways it has been beyond wonderful, I’ve learned and grown a lot. But there has been a particularly difficult parent that I’ve had to deal with as well. This week it all came to a head in a particularly nasty and brutal way. I came home from work Monday and spent the night crying and worrying.  I have never felt so alone and hurt in my life. But because God is a good and gracious God, I had the amazing support of Josh. I don’t know men very well but I know it takes a lot for them to be OK with just listening to a problem and not trying to fix it. Tuesday night consisted mainly of Josh holding me on the couch and letting me cry — really cry. It’s a hard a place for me to be, in that place where I’m completely falling apart emotionally and relying on somebody else to hold me together.

Oh I am a seed,
Oh I am a seed.
I’ve been pushed down into the ground,
But I will rise up a tree.

Wednesday morning riding to work I had one of the most real prayers with God that I’ve ever had. It’s amazing to me how God uses those times when I’m most alone to get me to be really honest with Him. I told him that I needed my Dad-God. I needed my big God who would go to bat for me and be mad that people were hurting me.

I’ve been burned up in so many fires,
From these ashes I will rise.
Lord your power has rescued me,
For you I’ll always sing.

I am so thankful for my best friend Josh who could walk through this tough time with me, who could hold me and comfort me. I am so thankful for my Discovery family who I could confide in and have praying for me. But I am most thankful for my God who doesn’t leave me — even in those times where I feel like there’s no one.

(Lyrics are from  “I am seed” by David Crowder*Band, check it out here)