Judah’s Birth Story (Part 1)

On the morning of October 20th (my actual due date according to some doctors), I woke up feeling pretty depressed. I was just convinced that I was going to be pregnant forever and I was tired of feeling contractions that never seemed to last or go anywhere. I lay in bed until after 10am – something I never do (but looking back, glad I did!) When Josh came home for lunch, we went for our usual walk around the neighborhood and I started feeling contractions. I told Josh that I was pretty sure they were Braxton Hicks and to go back to work, even though they were coming fairly often. After he went back to work, I sat at home trying to time them but they still didn’t seem regular enough so I wrote it off as annoying “practice labor” and went to Food Lion to get some groceries. While shopping, the contractions got strong enough that I would have to stop walking until it passed. I still wasn’t convinced it was real labor though and so when I got home, I took a warm bath and tried to time the contractions again – they were coming close to every 5 minutes but then tapered off a bit. I remember trying not to cry because I felt so disappointed. When I got out of the bath, I went and sat on the couch and realized that they still hadn’t gone away. Eventually around 4, I called the birth center and was told to keep timing them and when they were under 5 minutes apart, I couldn’t talk through them, and/or my water broke to call back. Josh came home from work and I could tell he was a lot more convinced that I was in labor than I was! However, I was still convinced that we had hours and hours to go so we ate some supper and started to watch The Hobbit. Meanwhile, my contractions were definitely getting stronger and definitely more regular – they were 3 minutes apart. Lis had texted me earlier in the day about coming over to drop off some stuff and when she walked in the door, she said “yep, you’re in labor!” So we called the birth center and while the midwife I spoke to still seemed hesitant to tell us to go ahead and come to Chapel Hill, Josh had decided we were going no matter what so we could at least be nearby. Lis helped us get everything we needed (including taking our Redbox movie back!) and off we went. I have to say, it was both the longest and the shortest trip to Chapel Hill ever! I was getting intense contractions every 3 minutes but we still had to stop halfway so I could pee – I was certain that would help lesson the pain a little. I didn’t want to freak everyone in Sheetz out so I had a contraction in the car, walked quickly into the bathroom and peed, walked out and had another contraction and then we continued driving. When we finally got to the birth center, they checked me and I was 3 cm dilated and so they didn’t send us back to Greenville – I think more because of how regular and intense my contractions were at the time. Some of the hardest part was the “checking in” process where I had to lay flat on my back while they checked my vitals and stuff. I eventually was able to get in the tub which helped some. They hooked me up to the IV (I’m Strep B positive so they have to give antibiotics during labor to make sure baby doesn’t get sick on his way out). I labored in the tub for a bit and then went and took a shower. My contractions in the shower were tough, it felt like I couldn’t breathe which of course only made them worse. I got back in the tub after that and the contractions continued to get extremely intense. I remember at one point the midwife asked me if I wanted to be checked again but I said not really because the last thing I wanted was to have been having these super intense contractions only to learn that I hadn’t dilated any more or that I was only like 5 cm or something. Eventually though (like two contractions later) I was shouting about how I couldn’t do it, didn’t want to do it anymore. At that point my midwife said, “I think that’s nature’s way of telling us to go ahead and check you” and when she did I was 9cm! I’d only been laboring there for about an hour and a half! Right after that came the pushing phase and something no one seems to tell you is that this is a skill. Really. I would’ve never guessed how hard it would be since lots of people have said that it’s the “easier” part of labor. But you’re being told to hold your breath, push using only your abdomen muscles, and oh yeah this is the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced so… I pushed for awhile on the bed but it was extremely difficult to get the hang of pulling up on my legs not pushing down and so I ended up in the birth chair. It’s like a chair missing the seat portion and I did most of my pushing there. I had a lot more success and apparently Judah was nearly born “in the bag” – my water never broke. I guess it means he’s lucky (so they say)! I don’t know what this must have looked like but Josh said it looked pretty weird. My midwife finally broke the bag and I felt a lot less pressure with my pushing but definitely more “bones”, I don’t know how else to describe it. It was at this point that my midwife moved me back to the bed and two contractions later I pushed him out all at once! I wish I could’ve captured the look on Josh’s face when he finally came out, it was a mixture of shock and joy. They put him up on my chest and he cried and I felt so relieved! It’s funny how different I felt about that first cry versus now. So now I had him, slimy and warm on my chest but unfortunately that was not the end of our adventure. Apparently I tore badly enough that my midwife wanted me transferred to the hospital for repair, which began the series of events that crushed my expectations…

When it’s not all sunshine and rainbows…

So I’ll be happy to share Judah’s birth story in a later post, this one is just for me. Because for some unknown reason, despite reading tons of books and talking to friends, I grossly underestimated how difficult being a new mom was going to be. Somehow, when I pictured getting up with a newborn in the night, I pictured that he would wake up, eat, get a diaper change and go back down to sleep. I had not counted on the hours of crying and attempts to soothe. I hadn’t counted on the absolutely overwhelming task of caring for someone so helpless. And I definitely hadn’t planned being someone who struggled with postpartum depression/anxiety.

I’m sharing this because though I knew there would be a lot of hormonal changes and a lot of emotional upheaval, I just never pictured myself being one of those “poor, crazy women.” I knew it was time to call my doctor finally when my mom was over, had Judah asleep and told me to take a nap. I then lay awake in my bed for over an hour feeling wave upon wave of panic and anxiety take over. I realized I wasn’t able to relax in the evenings – even when Judah was asleep or being peaceful because I was dreading the night so much. Obviously, I’m still in the middle of this and Josh has been wonderful – of course, I worry about him too, knowing that he needs sleep and is getting less than me. And I am so thankful for my family being local and our church family being willing to keep us company and help us out in all kinds of ways, including a friend who volunteered to stay the night so we could get a decent night’s rest. Who does that??

So it’s a battle for survival here at the Morgan house but hopefully soon we’ll be able to give more updates (though no promises on when!)