I might be the only person who actually reads her alumni magazine when it comes in the mail. Maybe because I only get it about 3 times a year, maybe because I loved my college experience that much, maybe I’m just weird. Who knows the reason but I always read it. I read through the memorial article dedicated to Dr. Jud Carlberg who was president while I was there and recently passed away. It was well written and I remembered the kind, fair man I knew from a few visits to his home but mostly from his presence on stage during chapel and the like. I flipped over to the next page and perused an article called “A Day in the Life” that essentially walked through a day at Gordon now, in honor of the 125th anniversary of its existence. About halfway through, I tossed the whole magazine on the floor. To be honest, “tossed” implies a certain amount of flippancy… “chucked” might be a more accurate word. I felt upset, I felt…depressed. The article was great and had lots of great pictures but I couldn’t finish it because this strange feeling welled up in my heart. My beautiful 6 month old son was playing on the floor and warm May sunshine was coming through the window and I just wanted to cry. Had I really done that? Had I really lived a life before this? Gone to college? Of course the answer is yes but it suddenly seemed so distant – like it was a great movie I had watched one time but didn’t really happen to me.
I think there’s always a bit of a let down when you graduate from college. I know everyone goes through it. I think it’s a bigger life change than graduating from high school honestly. Because you’re whole life you’ve gone to school. Gotten really good at writing papers, doing math, sitting in class, etc. And then suddenly you’re in a world that looks nothing like that. Like everyone does, I adjusted, I figured out my new role and moved on. Except my world seemed smaller.
Lately, I’ve been struggling with how much smaller my world has gotten still. It’s hard to even describe the difference between my college experience – thinking, discussing and feeling like my intellect mattered to other academic minded individuals – and beginning my teaching career in a very rural area. Please don’t read this as “I think country folks is dumb” (although I did sort of think that when I first moved here…ask Josh) it’s more the change from a school environment “What do you know?” to a work environment “What can you do?” Anyway, that’s hard enough to explain and then when I leave my career to become a stay at home mom…you get the picture. Now my problem solving revolves around things like naps and bottles and if-I-lie-down-on-the-couch-for-30-minutes-does-that-mean-I-won’t-shower-today (answer: yes). And if you had asked me when I was 21 if, at 28, I hoped to be single and living and working in the city I would have definitely said no (with the exception of living in the city). I dreaded the fact that I might not have a date, let alone a husband, before I turned 25.
What is the line from Mom’s Night Out? ““This is my dream (being a mom, staying at home raising them). I’m living it, and I’m not happy…how come I feel like this?” This is my struggle these days. I dreamed and longed to be a wife and stay at home mom and some days I wonder what the heck I’ve got myself into. You can find a bajillion articles online about how to take time for yourself as a mom – and that’s all well and good. But I still wrestle with the smallness feeling. Anybody else feel that way? What do you do?
What can I say, he’s his father’s son (with the pickiness part, not the hating vegetables part) Lis and I have started getting together more regularly for play dates – really just a chance for us to hang out with another adult – and the three boys seem intrigued by each other. As they’re older now too, it’s much easier and more fun to go out together. Yesterday we went to downtown New Bern and just walked around enjoying the beautiful sunshine and breeze. It’s funny because whenever we go out people speak to Lis about the twins but yesterday was the first time I think she was stopped more often to talk about Max (her St. Bernard) than the babies! That’s New Bern for ya I guess.
Adventures with the Morgans 